[There's no mistaking the raw gratitude in Sugawara's eyes when Tsukishima makes space for him to talk about it more, at this new stage.]
It's weird. If you told me a month ago that I could stop thinking about being with him, I would've called you crazy. Do you think... does it mean you love someone more or less than you thought, if it turns out that having them in your life is all that really matters?
[It's not that Suga's over Daichi. That's too simplistic. But he's learning more about his feelings every day, and none of it quite makes sense.]
[Cube is an extremely gory and psychologically disturbing roller coaster ride of a movie - that entirely takes place in a series of small, near-identical, empty cubical rooms. It's not very distracting for someone who doesn't get hooked in early by the premise, so with daylight only just starting to wane outside and a conversation that's waited a long while finally being had, it's easy to miss the movie passing them by.
Suga mirrors Tsukishima's action by taking out a stick of pocky, but only to twirl it between his fingers for something to do with his hands. He still feels odd about making himself so vulnerable to an underclassman when he's supposed to be the mentor, even when Tsukishima's words have been invaluable to him so far.]
I like that idea. Not romance being the most important, I mean... every kind of love being... different, but at the same level. [The stick spins and spins in his hands.] Because I do love Daichi. But if I never hold his hand, or kiss him, well - I started loving him without doing any of those things, and I could keep on loving him without doing those things.
I wonder if he'd believe me if I told him that? He might just think I'm trying to reassure him.
[Tsukishima doesn't say that to be rude, or condescending. Only naming it for what it is. Something for Sugawara and Daichi to reach for. Surety that things change, but don't have to fall apart.]
Captain has to decide for himself, how to deal with it.
[Tsukishima may show more deference to his seniors than almost anyone else, but he's not shy about speaking strongly when it's needed and this is just such a time. It stops Suga in his tracks for a moment until he just nods, smile wilting.]
I'm not just trying to play all the positions, I'm trying to play both sides of the game. How embarrassing...
[Sugawara spends so much time supporting other people. Minding their business, making sure they're okay. It costs a lot. Giving and giving, until there's nothing left. Just a lie.
Everything's fine.
There's no proof Sugawara will get as bad as Akiteru, but Tsukki's making sure. He turns his full attention to the older boy. Gaze intent.]
[Even Sugawara doesn't know exactly what those words do to him. Not at first.
He just stares into Tsukishima's pale, pretty eyes, which suddenly seem to cut through the movie's reflection off his glasses and look right into Suga's heart. His chin wobbles and he thinks he might cry, but there's no sting of tears behind his eyelids.
Take a break. He hears the urgency in those words, maybe for the first time. Others have told him much the same thing and he's assured them that it's fine, he knows his limits, he only gives when he has enough... but Tsukishima's voice strains just that little bit because he's concerned, he's worried, and that, too, cuts through Suga's defenses.]
I'm not sure how to. [And there's an admission he's never made to anyone else before. Despite the shaky chin, his voice is steady and even.] I don't know who I am if I'm not living for someone else.
[Once again, Tsukki flashes to Akiteru's situation. The extreme end of where this goes. What would be different, if he'd had talked about it with someone? Anyone? What could have changed?
Tsukki stabs a finger at Sugawara.]
So find out!
Honestly!
Isn't that what all this is supposed to be for? Making a mess in high school so and lean to be a less terrible adult? Sacrificing yourself for other people, no one asked you to do that! No one wants you to do that, not if it sucks everything out of you!
Again, Suga feels like he might be on the verge of tears. Again, they don't come. Is he just too used to conflicting emotions, happiness always mingled with something more bittersweet? Because the realization that Tsukishima cares so much about him is about the purest, sweetest taste of happiness he's had in a very long time.
Turning on the couch with one leg tucked under him to face Tsukishima properly, Suga reaches out and wraps one of his hands around the one pointing so violently at him.]
You're really kind, Tsukishima-kun.
I will. I promise. And I'm sorry if I've worried you.
Tsukki hadn't realized he was angry, until then. Couldn't really separate if it's about the boy across from him, or his brother, all of it together. Exhaling, he drops his hand. Not bothering to shake Sugawara off.]
I know, and I didn't say that because I thought it was expected.
[Suga doesn't release his hand, but he's not holding on particularly tight either. It's just his way of making sure he's heard, his version of pointing and yelling.]
I am sorry. It's meant - it means the world to me that you've been here to listen and spend time with me lately. Because of you, I've gotten to set aside the mask that convinces everyone I'm always okay and... and really feel all the pain, and the fear. Not alone, not just because it was too overwhelming to ignore, but because I had support.
If I haven't made it clear how much of a role you've already played in teaching me to be better about letting people in, and how much it's already helped... I'm sorry for that.
[And at last, a warm, genuine smile returns to Suga's face.]
But now that you know, you'd better not forget it!
That... Is somehow the most threatening apology I've ever gotten.
[Tsukki should take notes.
It's strange. Being thanked for taking down someone else's walls. He mulls on that. Eyes drifting back to the TV - just in time for one of the more creative deaths. He jolts. Dislodging from Sugawara.]
Suga laughs, shaking his head at the immaculate timing.]
Yeah, did I ever tell you what this is about? These people are caught in a giant trap made up of identical cubical rooms that each kill you in different ways. It's like proto-Saw but without the backstory, motive, mastermind, that kind of thing. Pure cosmic horror, they're just there because they're there.
[That was a pretty massive dose of Emotions, and mostly on Tsukishima's side. He deserves the reward of not Emotioning for awhile.]
Come on, Tsukishima-kun, you're not even a year in yet! You haven't really been tortured until you get to experience studying for final exams and university entrance exams all year while, you know, actually getting through your last year of school.
[It's not something to mind, though. Not when it reminds him of facts. They won. Karasuno beat a Nationally ranked team, a Junior Olympian, and Tsukki would do it all again. Wants to.
Especially now. Seeing the smile grow and grow on Sugawara's face.]
[There's a reminder. Not just of the injury itself, but of Tsukishima's wrapped hand slamming Ushijiima's spike into the floor like a cannonball. If Suga's heart starts racing and he gets the same rush of excitement just remembering the moment, how Tsukishima's roar of victory filled the gym, how must it feel for Tsukishima himself?]
That was a star-making game for you. There are a lot of people in this country who'll probably never forget the middle blocker that denied Ushijima Wakatoshi his senior year victory lap.
[And if that ain't exactly how Tsukishima of all people would want to be remembered... the thought makes Suga chuckle.]
[That compliment's the perfect mix of praise and petty.
Tsukki's smirk goes sharp. Everyone was just so sure Shiratorizawa would smash through Karasuno. Then comes a 1st-Year, skinny Middle Blocker from a nowhere team. Tsukki still feels the shine of it. The certainty as everything connected and changed]
[Suga's no stranger to Tsukishima's smug face. No one who's been in Tsukishima's company for more than a few minutes can be a stranger to his smug face. But the addition of real, hard-earned confidence replacing its usual foundation of arrogance makes the expression so much more...
... Sugawara has to look away before he can come up with the answer. He just knows, somehow, that it'll be a less than comfortable realization.]
Stunned. It took as long for him to process as everyone else. I don't think being kill blocked had even occurred to him as possible, never mind a real risk.
[But naturally, with Suga being a heavily empathetic setter and all:]
What I'll never forget is the look on the setter's face. He knew before Ushijima even touched the ball.
Picking on your other muses? Must be a day that ends in -Y!
[The realization is probably along these lines - Confidence looks good on Tsukishima. Even more as he laughs. Pleased to have more insight on the moment.]
Geeze, that guy. He was so smug about Ushiwaka!
[Breaking apart arrogance like that? One of the best feelings.]
this is the curse of loving cinnamon rolls and gremlins equally
[Hot. That's the word Sugawara deflected before it could enter his brain. He can admire Tsukishima, enjoy his company, give to and receive comfort from him, but desire him?
That feels ill-advised. Sure hope that doesn't happen.]
Shirabu Kenjiro. He's always had a bad attitude, and I doubt Shiratorizawa showed Semi Eita half the care everyone showed me when he got benched to make room for a first year. [What's that? Another thing Suga rarely talks about in such direct language? It goes by fast, maybe even too fast for Tsukishima to catch when the topic swings back to him soon after:] I'm glad their camp was a valuable experience for you and you deserved the spot, but I'll be honest - that team's whole M.O. stinks and part of me wished you didn't have to have anything to do with them.
Yeah. Well. Somebody said some bullshit about it being an honor!
[The camp was a mixed bag, and Tsukki's still sorting out the results. It did feel good to be acknowledged, though. Before certain insufferable gingers crashed in.]
I wouldn't want to play for Coach Washijo, that's for sure. Guy's a despot.
Coach Anabara wasn't too bad.
[He does note the 'Benched' comment. Tucks it to the side.]
omg is that why he's become my hyperfocus character...
It was an honor! And you even made new friends! The camp was a net positive, but that doesn't make Shiratorizawa any less misguided.
[Anabara... that's not surprising, Suga thinks. Tsukishima needs a strict hand to bring out his best performance, but he'd undoubtedly still prefer someone more laid-back who'd just let him get on with things.]
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It's weird. If you told me a month ago that I could stop thinking about being with him, I would've called you crazy. Do you think... does it mean you love someone more or less than you thought, if it turns out that having them in your life is all that really matters?
[It's not that Suga's over Daichi. That's too simplistic. But he's learning more about his feelings every day, and none of it quite makes sense.]
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[If the movie's started? Tsukki's not paying attention. Maybe it's that he's been here. Humiliated and aching, wishing things were better.
He pulls off another strand of candy.]
Romance is always being pushed as 'Better.' That's kind of bullshit.
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Suga mirrors Tsukishima's action by taking out a stick of pocky, but only to twirl it between his fingers for something to do with his hands. He still feels odd about making himself so vulnerable to an underclassman when he's supposed to be the mentor, even when Tsukishima's words have been invaluable to him so far.]
I like that idea. Not romance being the most important, I mean... every kind of love being... different, but at the same level. [The stick spins and spins in his hands.] Because I do love Daichi. But if I never hold his hand, or kiss him, well - I started loving him without doing any of those things, and I could keep on loving him without doing those things.
I wonder if he'd believe me if I told him that? He might just think I'm trying to reassure him.
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[Tsukishima doesn't say that to be rude, or condescending. Only naming it for what it is. Something for Sugawara and Daichi to reach for. Surety that things change, but don't have to fall apart.]
Captain has to decide for himself, how to deal with it.
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I'm not just trying to play all the positions, I'm trying to play both sides of the game. How embarrassing...
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[Sugawara spends so much time supporting other people. Minding their business, making sure they're okay. It costs a lot. Giving and giving, until there's nothing left. Just a lie.
Everything's fine.
There's no proof Sugawara will get as bad as Akiteru, but Tsukki's making sure. He turns his full attention to the older boy. Gaze intent.]
Take a break, all right?
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He just stares into Tsukishima's pale, pretty eyes, which suddenly seem to cut through the movie's reflection off his glasses and look right into Suga's heart. His chin wobbles and he thinks he might cry, but there's no sting of tears behind his eyelids.
Take a break. He hears the urgency in those words, maybe for the first time. Others have told him much the same thing and he's assured them that it's fine, he knows his limits, he only gives when he has enough... but Tsukishima's voice strains just that little bit because he's concerned, he's worried, and that, too, cuts through Suga's defenses.]
I'm not sure how to. [And there's an admission he's never made to anyone else before. Despite the shaky chin, his voice is steady and even.] I don't know who I am if I'm not living for someone else.
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Tsukki stabs a finger at Sugawara.]
So find out!
Honestly!
Isn't that what all this is supposed to be for? Making a mess in high school so and lean to be a less terrible adult? Sacrificing yourself for other people, no one asked you to do that! No one wants you to do that, not if it sucks everything out of you!
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Again, Suga feels like he might be on the verge of tears. Again, they don't come. Is he just too used to conflicting emotions, happiness always mingled with something more bittersweet? Because the realization that Tsukishima cares so much about him is about the purest, sweetest taste of happiness he's had in a very long time.
Turning on the couch with one leg tucked under him to face Tsukishima properly, Suga reaches out and wraps one of his hands around the one pointing so violently at him.]
You're really kind, Tsukishima-kun.
I will. I promise. And I'm sorry if I've worried you.
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Funny.
Tsukki hadn't realized he was angry, until then. Couldn't really separate if it's about the boy across from him, or his brother, all of it together. Exhaling, he drops his hand. Not bothering to shake Sugawara off.]
Geeze.
I'm not looking for an apology.
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[Suga doesn't release his hand, but he's not holding on particularly tight either. It's just his way of making sure he's heard, his version of pointing and yelling.]
I am sorry. It's meant - it means the world to me that you've been here to listen and spend time with me lately. Because of you, I've gotten to set aside the mask that convinces everyone I'm always okay and... and really feel all the pain, and the fear. Not alone, not just because it was too overwhelming to ignore, but because I had support.
If I haven't made it clear how much of a role you've already played in teaching me to be better about letting people in, and how much it's already helped... I'm sorry for that.
[And at last, a warm, genuine smile returns to Suga's face.]
But now that you know, you'd better not forget it!
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[Tsukki should take notes.
It's strange. Being thanked for taking down someone else's walls. He mulls on that. Eyes drifting back to the TV - just in time for one of the more creative deaths. He jolts. Dislodging from Sugawara.]
The hell - ?!
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Suga laughs, shaking his head at the immaculate timing.]
Yeah, did I ever tell you what this is about? These people are caught in a giant trap made up of identical cubical rooms that each kill you in different ways. It's like proto-Saw but without the backstory, motive, mastermind, that kind of thing. Pure cosmic horror, they're just there because they're there.
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[Great. That's enough Emotions. Time to watch strangers suffer instead!]
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Come on, Tsukishima-kun, you're not even a year in yet! You haven't really been tortured until you get to experience studying for final exams and university entrance exams all year while, you know, actually getting through your last year of school.
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[About as much fun as the terrified people throwing boots to activate traps.]
Don't forget 'Going to Nationals,' you whiner.
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You know... if I don't concentrate on keeping it in my mind, I keep forgetting that's real. We're actually going to Nationals.
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[It's not something to mind, though. Not when it reminds him of facts. They won. Karasuno beat a Nationally ranked team, a Junior Olympian, and Tsukki would do it all again. Wants to.
Especially now. Seeing the smile grow and grow on Sugawara's face.]
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That was a star-making game for you. There are a lot of people in this country who'll probably never forget the middle blocker that denied Ushijima Wakatoshi his senior year victory lap.
[And if that ain't exactly how Tsukishima of all people would want to be remembered... the thought makes Suga chuckle.]
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Tsukki's smirk goes sharp. Everyone was just so sure Shiratorizawa would smash through Karasuno. Then comes a 1st-Year, skinny Middle Blocker from a nowhere team. Tsukki still feels the shine of it. The certainty as everything connected and changed]
How was the look on his face? I didn't catch it.
[What with the scream of triumph and all.]
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... Sugawara has to look away before he can come up with the answer. He just knows, somehow, that it'll be a less than comfortable realization.]
Stunned. It took as long for him to process as everyone else. I don't think being kill blocked had even occurred to him as possible, never mind a real risk.
[But naturally, with Suga being a heavily empathetic setter and all:]
What I'll never forget is the look on the setter's face. He knew before Ushijima even touched the ball.
Picking on your other muses? Must be a day that ends in -Y!
Geeze, that guy. He was so smug about Ushiwaka!
[Breaking apart arrogance like that? One of the best feelings.]
this is the curse of loving cinnamon rolls and gremlins equally
That feels ill-advised. Sure hope that doesn't happen.]
Shirabu Kenjiro. He's always had a bad attitude, and I doubt Shiratorizawa showed Semi Eita half the care everyone showed me when he got benched to make room for a first year. [What's that? Another thing Suga rarely talks about in such direct language? It goes by fast, maybe even too fast for Tsukishima to catch when the topic swings back to him soon after:] I'm glad their camp was a valuable experience for you and you deserved the spot, but I'll be honest - that team's whole M.O. stinks and part of me wished you didn't have to have anything to do with them.
Lucky you Suga is a Cinnamon Gremlin
Yeah. Well. Somebody said some bullshit about it being an honor!
[The camp was a mixed bag, and Tsukki's still sorting out the results. It did feel good to be acknowledged, though. Before certain insufferable gingers crashed in.]
I wouldn't want to play for Coach Washijo, that's for sure. Guy's a despot.
Coach Anabara wasn't too bad.
[He does note the 'Benched' comment. Tucks it to the side.]
omg is that why he's become my hyperfocus character...
[Anabara... that's not surprising, Suga thinks. Tsukishima needs a strict hand to bring out his best performance, but he'd undoubtedly still prefer someone more laid-back who'd just let him get on with things.]
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Mad that I acted respecless?/ It's 'cuz no one can respect this
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