[For a moment, tears shine in Kenzo's eyes as he looks up at Tsukishima, but they're not bad tears. He just happens to be a happy crier sometimes, like his big bro.
He ducks his head and blinks them away, but a shy little laugh bubbles up and he's smiling when he looks forward again.]
I... I don't need to make a scene and get hurt because of things said by people that pathetic. [That's the miracle of what Tsukishima just said - it's a way out of standing up to them, the morally correct action that would get him utterly pummeled. He can feel okay about it now.] Someone tougher will hurt them back one day and they'll learn.
[As they close in on the Sugawara residence, Kenzo's surprised to see his brother and Daichi approaching from the other direction. His stomach twists up with dread and he almost turns and runs away, but - that'd make him a disappointment to Koushi and Tsukishima in one fell swoop, a thought he just can't bear.
Suga looks equally surprised to see his brother and boyfriend walking together, a sight he finds charming until worries start to creep in about how this would even happen. Even if they ran into each other, Suga can't see either of them starting up a conversation out of the blue, never mind one that would lead them all the way here.
Thankfully, Daichi seems to read the room pretty quickly and splits from the group to carry on home right after greeting Tsukishima and Kenzo. There's a smile on Suga's face when he addresses both of them, but it's probably not quite bright enough to fool either of them.]
Well hello, you two! I didn't expect to see two of my favorite people right at my door at this time of the evening, but I can't complain.
[It's obvious something's off. No use trying to shield it with fake smiles. Tsukki gives Daichi a polite nod, waits for the older boy to turn the corner. Then tilts his head to Suga.]
[Kenzo's voice is quiet, but it doesn't waver. Suga's eyebrows shoot up, then settle into a more serious expression as he takes in this little exchange.]
Let's head in, then. We can talk in my room so that mom and dad don't interrupt when they get home.
[Though it's not worded like a question and there's no upward inflection in his voice, Suga and Kenzo exchange a look and the younger brother nods - yes, this is a conversation, and yes, he'd like it to be private. Suga doesn't play the cheerful host or offer Tsukki anything when they enter the house - it feels more respectful to his brother's solemn mood to skip the formalities and head straight for his room.
Once there, he sits in his computer chair so he won't tower over his tiny brother and looks from Kenzo to Tsukishima and back.]
[It's absolutely Big Brother Mode, and Tsukki takes a beat to center himself. Doesn't take the bed. That's center stage, where all that concern will focus.
Instead he drops his bag, leaning against the wall.
[Sure enough, Kenzo sits on the bed with his legs dangling off the edge. He looks over at Tsukishima briefly, but it's more of a nervous gesture than anything - after Tsukishima's strong words about the importance of telling Koushi the truth, he doesn't expect any leeway from that direction.
Finally, he lets out a big sigh and looks up from his hands, which are folded politely in his lap, into his brother's face.]
Some guys at school, they... um, they've been giving me a hard time. For awhile. Mostly just saying things they think will make me mad or hurt me. And the school counsellor said it'd stop if I just stayed calm and didn't give them what they wanted, b-but...
[A shadow settles over Suga's gentle features as his mind races with the possibilities: Kenzo wasn't limping, he's got no visible bruises, he was wearing his bookbag normally without any signs of pain, so was it physically bullying? Or something worse, some nasty psychological seed that could really take root in his brother's brilliant, delicate mind? It's difficult to stay quiet while Kenzo works up the nerve to say more, but Suga just sets his jaw and waits out the silence.]
... today they followed me around after school and waited until I left the music club room... and when I tried to get past them, they chased me up to the third floor so I couldn't get to an exit... all I could think to do was... was close myself into a supply closet...
[That's when Kenzo breaks down again, tears streaming down his face as he sinks back into that feeling of terror and helplessness. Immediately, Suga's up and out of his chair to sit beside Kenzo and wrap an arm around him.]
It's alright. You're safe now, okay? [Giving Kenzo a moment to pull himself together, Suga directs his next question to Tsukki:] Where do you come into this?
[Tsukki grits his teeth. Willing himself still. This is how it's got to go, hadn't he pretty much railroaded the kid into it?
Except now Kenzo's a mess and Suga's eyes are shadowed.
Everything feels worse. Even though it's the most secure they've been since this fiasco started. Calm. He will be calm. This isn't about him. Tsukki keeps the reply flat, not adding any emotion to the storm. Or so he tells himself. Anger seeps in at the edges, staining his words.]
[There's a brief but raw flicker of hurt across Suga's face. Not angry or betrayed hurt, just confused hurt - why wouldn't Kenzo come to him? Why would someone so new to Kenzo's life take precedence in an emergency? He knows they talk about music, but this makes him feel out of the loop in a slippery, nerve-wracking way.
He tells himself the same things, though. Not about me. Not about me. Kenzo was in crisis, Tsukishima helped him. He had absolutely no responsibility to do so, but he did.]
He helped! [Kenzo's little voice pipes up between harsh, shaky breaths. Without any understanding of the reasons for all this tension, he's just desperate to keep anyone else from getting into the line of fire.] I was so scared I couldn't think straight, but I didn't want to... to -
To what? [Suga forces his voice to stay quiet, gentle, and he gives Kenzo a little squeeze. Kenzo seems to have hit his limit again, though, so Suga just gives Tsukki a rather helpless look.] Thank you, Tsukki.
[That confusion hits hard. It's too much like Akiteru, across the gym, watching his brother's heart break.
Tsukki tastes metal. Something like guilt seeping into the dregs of adrenaline. Which makes no sense. He didn't start any of this. Even though the emotion is there because of him - No. That's childish, and he's not a child.
Get through the story.]
Yeah.
So.
I chased the little -
[He's about to use something politer, out of habit. Why bother? Not like Kenzo's being protected, he's heard the word. And worse.]
Tch. They're assholes, and I should have scared them worse.
[The genuine bitterness in Tsukki's tone when he talks about scaring off Kenzo's bullies finally brings a smile back to Suga's face, small and weary but full of genuine warmth. It's another whole new feeling, having someone on side with him when it comes to protecting his little brother.]
No no, you - you did enough. I'm just so glad you were there. [Suga gives Kenzo another little squeeze, then shifts over a bit to turn and face him directly.] And you did the right thing, reaching out for help.
[He just feels so helpless. Now what do they do? This is the very fear he's carried with him all year when he thinks about them sending his brother off to high school, and having it happen a year early just feels like confirmation that the worst is yet to come.]
Nii-san... [Kenzo's tears have tried up, but his voice is still a bit unsteady.] Don't let this - I mean, I won't say that it's no big deal or anything, but - please don't think you need to drop everything and help me now, okay? You have enough big deals of your own. I will be okay.
[Incredible. His little brother and his boyfriend, both of whom are in the room with him, have now made the same plea with the same nervous urgency: don't sacrifice yourself over this, or anything. Please look out for yourself first. And Kenzo's talking about being locked in a closet by bullies with no idea when they'd let him escape.
Now it's Suga's turn to blink back tears as he throws both arms around Kenzo and pulls him close for a long hug.]
[It's maybe true. It's maybe not. It is something better, for the brothers. They'll work their way through together.
Tsukki slips out the door. Keeps moving until he hits the front porch.
He's not leaving.
Just needs to get this - feeling - under control. Before it buries him. He jams on his headphones, grabbing a random song from the 'Pissed Off' playlist. Watches the sky darkens, go purple. Bruised and miserable.]
[There's still a bit for Suga and Kenzo to talk out, but it's true that they've reached a decent place for the time being. Suga knows he has to do something - it's just a matter of figuring out a plan that won't make the bullying worse, stress him out enough to make Kenzo worry, or have some other negative outcome.
When Kenzo feels ready to put on his own headphones and disappear back into his composing, Suga checks his phone to see if Tsukki sent a text after he left. Nothing there... then is he still around the house? Suga checks that the bathroom door is open, then heads downstairs to check the kitchen, the living room - nothing.
It's hard to say which looks darker when he peeks his head outside, Tsukki's face or the evening sky. Cautiously, Suga stands beside him and tucks a hand into his, fingers threaded together. That's all - no gesture to remove the headphones, just quiet company.]
I was... terrible to him as a kid. Just a total nightmare.
[It's not clear at first if Suga's going to say any more, but eventually he does continue.]
None of us really understood him at first, and I didn't get why he couldn't just... calm down and cheer up. You know? It felt like everything had to be this big scene. So I would - I started pulling "pranks" on him to try and teach him to laugh off scary things, but...
[But as a young kid, it was also his way of acting out. Taking all that annoyance and aggression and turning it into something that was just a joke and was for his own good.]
After a really mean-spirited one, my mom took me aside and I thought she was going to scream at me, but she basically just said: "Kenzo's not like you, he can't be like you, and he's going to have a much harder time with life than you are because of it. You have two options: lift him up so that he can walk with you, or let him get ground into the dirt under your feet."
Honestly, I was his first bully. [Suga swallows around a lump in his throat.] I can't defend anything I did. All I can do now is try to make up for it whenever I can.
[Not just because he wants to "be a better person" in some nebulous sense - because he adores Kenzo. But that feels even more self-serving to add so he doesn't say it aloud.
Suga's startled when Tsukki brings up his older brother. Somehow he hasn't made the connection between Tsukki's mood and his own brother until now, even though he's aware to some degree that Kei and Akiteru have a rocky relationship. This is also the first time he's connected himself and Akiteru as older brothers and had cause to wonder how that might colour Tsukki's view of him...
It's a sobering thought.]
Yeah? [Nothing else, just an invitation to say more if Tsukki's so inclined.]
[When Suga said that Tsukishima always clearly telegraphs the important emotional moments, this is what he meant - it couldn't be more obvious that this is far more than a story told in kind, just because the topic of brothers came up or because Suga has him thinking about his older brother. This is a boulder Tsukki's been pushing uphill his entire life, only to see it go rolling back down again when he thought he was safe to take a second's breather.
Suga doesn't have to question how closely to observe Tsukki, how deeply to involve himself, how much might be too much. This moment gets all of him.
He takes a seat beside Tsukki but not too close, giving him the physical space he'll doubtlessly need to share something of such import. And at first he can't help but grin, because Tsukki's right about everything - Akiteru seems like a big, sweet Golden Labrador puppy of a guy, and that stands in complete contrast to his younger brother's chilly, reserved manner.
But.]
Having the best of intentions can make someone even more blind to the actual impact of what they're doing.
[It's a bit of a wild guess based on what Tsukki's said and the similarities in their situations, but also shockingly on the mark.]
[It's hard to fully forgive someone when you're still feeling the impact of what they did. Kenzo was so young when their relationship was at their worst, Suga assumes he's either forgotten or internalized the damage too thoroughly to realize where it came from - things could very easily have gone the opposite way, with Kenzo internalizing the connection between his older brother and terror instead.
Suga's so leery to offer insight or advice in this situation, simply because he knows he'll come at it from an older brother's lifelong perspective and that won't do Tsukki any good. So he just keeps gently prompting Tsukki instead, letting him decide where the conversation will go.]
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He ducks his head and blinks them away, but a shy little laugh bubbles up and he's smiling when he looks forward again.]
I... I don't need to make a scene and get hurt because of things said by people that pathetic. [That's the miracle of what Tsukishima just said - it's a way out of standing up to them, the morally correct action that would get him utterly pummeled. He can feel okay about it now.] Someone tougher will hurt them back one day and they'll learn.
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Exactly. So pathetic!
Don't wait around for people like that to learn.
They aren't worth your time.
[Tsukki's smirk loosens into a smile, when Kenzo laughs. Glad that something in this awful day could help.]
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I can see why my brother likes you. You're really cool.
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Earnest compliments - his one weakness!]
If you say so!
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Suga looks equally surprised to see his brother and boyfriend walking together, a sight he finds charming until worries start to creep in about how this would even happen. Even if they ran into each other, Suga can't see either of them starting up a conversation out of the blue, never mind one that would lead them all the way here.
Thankfully, Daichi seems to read the room pretty quickly and splits from the group to carry on home right after greeting Tsukishima and Kenzo. There's a smile on Suga's face when he addresses both of them, but it's probably not quite bright enough to fool either of them.]
Well hello, you two! I didn't expect to see two of my favorite people right at my door at this time of the evening, but I can't complain.
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We're surprised as you.
Kenzo - You want me to stick around?
[He'd been about to ask, but - Here they are.]
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[Kenzo's voice is quiet, but it doesn't waver. Suga's eyebrows shoot up, then settle into a more serious expression as he takes in this little exchange.]
Let's head in, then. We can talk in my room so that mom and dad don't interrupt when they get home.
[Though it's not worded like a question and there's no upward inflection in his voice, Suga and Kenzo exchange a look and the younger brother nods - yes, this is a conversation, and yes, he'd like it to be private. Suga doesn't play the cheerful host or offer Tsukki anything when they enter the house - it feels more respectful to his brother's solemn mood to skip the formalities and head straight for his room.
Once there, he sits in his computer chair so he won't tower over his tiny brother and looks from Kenzo to Tsukishima and back.]
What's going on?
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Instead he drops his bag, leaning against the wall.
Lets Kenzo start.]
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Finally, he lets out a big sigh and looks up from his hands, which are folded politely in his lap, into his brother's face.]
Some guys at school, they... um, they've been giving me a hard time. For awhile. Mostly just saying things they think will make me mad or hurt me. And the school counsellor said it'd stop if I just stayed calm and didn't give them what they wanted, b-but...
[A shadow settles over Suga's gentle features as his mind races with the possibilities: Kenzo wasn't limping, he's got no visible bruises, he was wearing his bookbag normally without any signs of pain, so was it physically bullying? Or something worse, some nasty psychological seed that could really take root in his brother's brilliant, delicate mind? It's difficult to stay quiet while Kenzo works up the nerve to say more, but Suga just sets his jaw and waits out the silence.]
... today they followed me around after school and waited until I left the music club room... and when I tried to get past them, they chased me up to the third floor so I couldn't get to an exit... all I could think to do was... was close myself into a supply closet...
[That's when Kenzo breaks down again, tears streaming down his face as he sinks back into that feeling of terror and helplessness. Immediately, Suga's up and out of his chair to sit beside Kenzo and wrap an arm around him.]
It's alright. You're safe now, okay? [Giving Kenzo a moment to pull himself together, Suga directs his next question to Tsukki:] Where do you come into this?
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Except now Kenzo's a mess and Suga's eyes are shadowed.
Everything feels worse. Even though it's the most secure they've been since this fiasco started. Calm. He will be calm. This isn't about him. Tsukki keeps the reply flat, not adding any emotion to the storm. Or so he tells himself. Anger seeps in at the edges, staining his words.]
Kenzo texted me.
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He tells himself the same things, though. Not about me. Not about me. Kenzo was in crisis, Tsukishima helped him. He had absolutely no responsibility to do so, but he did.]
He helped! [Kenzo's little voice pipes up between harsh, shaky breaths. Without any understanding of the reasons for all this tension, he's just desperate to keep anyone else from getting into the line of fire.] I was so scared I couldn't think straight, but I didn't want to... to -
To what? [Suga forces his voice to stay quiet, gentle, and he gives Kenzo a little squeeze. Kenzo seems to have hit his limit again, though, so Suga just gives Tsukki a rather helpless look.] Thank you, Tsukki.
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Tsukki tastes metal. Something like guilt seeping into the dregs of adrenaline. Which makes no sense. He didn't start any of this. Even though the emotion is there because of him - No. That's childish, and he's not a child.
Get through the story.]
Yeah.
So.
I chased the little -
[He's about to use something politer, out of habit. Why bother? Not like Kenzo's being protected, he's heard the word. And worse.]
Tch. They're assholes, and I should have scared them worse.
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No no, you - you did enough. I'm just so glad you were there. [Suga gives Kenzo another little squeeze, then shifts over a bit to turn and face him directly.] And you did the right thing, reaching out for help.
[He just feels so helpless. Now what do they do? This is the very fear he's carried with him all year when he thinks about them sending his brother off to high school, and having it happen a year early just feels like confirmation that the worst is yet to come.]
Nii-san... [Kenzo's tears have tried up, but his voice is still a bit unsteady.] Don't let this - I mean, I won't say that it's no big deal or anything, but - please don't think you need to drop everything and help me now, okay? You have enough big deals of your own. I will be okay.
[Incredible. His little brother and his boyfriend, both of whom are in the room with him, have now made the same plea with the same nervous urgency: don't sacrifice yourself over this, or anything. Please look out for yourself first. And Kenzo's talking about being locked in a closet by bullies with no idea when they'd let him escape.
Now it's Suga's turn to blink back tears as he throws both arms around Kenzo and pulls him close for a long hug.]
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Tsukki slips out the door. Keeps moving until he hits the front porch.
He's not leaving.
Just needs to get this - feeling - under control. Before it buries him. He jams on his headphones, grabbing a random song from the 'Pissed Off' playlist. Watches the sky darkens, go purple. Bruised and miserable.]
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When Kenzo feels ready to put on his own headphones and disappear back into his composing, Suga checks his phone to see if Tsukki sent a text after he left. Nothing there... then is he still around the house? Suga checks that the bathroom door is open, then heads downstairs to check the kitchen, the living room - nothing.
It's hard to say which looks darker when he peeks his head outside, Tsukki's face or the evening sky. Cautiously, Suga stands beside him and tucks a hand into his, fingers threaded together. That's all - no gesture to remove the headphones, just quiet company.]
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You're a good big brother.
You know that, right?
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... can I admit something to you?
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[Whatever it is, can't be as bad as the mess Tsukki's trying to dam up.]
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[It's not clear at first if Suga's going to say any more, but eventually he does continue.]
None of us really understood him at first, and I didn't get why he couldn't just... calm down and cheer up. You know? It felt like everything had to be this big scene. So I would - I started pulling "pranks" on him to try and teach him to laugh off scary things, but...
[But as a young kid, it was also his way of acting out. Taking all that annoyance and aggression and turning it into something that was just a joke and was for his own good.]
After a really mean-spirited one, my mom took me aside and I thought she was going to scream at me, but she basically just said: "Kenzo's not like you, he can't be like you, and he's going to have a much harder time with life than you are because of it. You have two options: lift him up so that he can walk with you, or let him get ground into the dirt under your feet."
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So. You were a little shit.
[There's a huff. The ghost of a chuckle, though the mood doesn't lift much.]
Welcome to the club.
My brother did that. Not the pranks, but trying to get me to be more cheerful. Telling me to get along with people.
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[Not just because he wants to "be a better person" in some nebulous sense - because he adores Kenzo. But that feels even more self-serving to add so he doesn't say it aloud.
Suga's startled when Tsukki brings up his older brother. Somehow he hasn't made the connection between Tsukki's mood and his own brother until now, even though he's aware to some degree that Kei and Akiteru have a rocky relationship. This is also the first time he's connected himself and Akiteru as older brothers and had cause to wonder how that might colour Tsukki's view of him...
It's a sobering thought.]
Yeah? [Nothing else, just an invitation to say more if Tsukki's so inclined.]
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[Brother Issues are on the table now. Like it or not. Pulling his hand back, Tsukki sinks onto the stairs. Arms folded across knees.
Then fills the quiet. Voice low.]
Anyway, he wasn't a bully. I was, maybe. Probably. Akiteru kept me from being worse.
Really, he's the nicest person. You saw him, he cries at everything. It's ridiculous. If we didn't look the same, you'd never believe we're related.
But...
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Suga doesn't have to question how closely to observe Tsukki, how deeply to involve himself, how much might be too much. This moment gets all of him.
He takes a seat beside Tsukki but not too close, giving him the physical space he'll doubtlessly need to share something of such import. And at first he can't help but grin, because Tsukki's right about everything - Akiteru seems like a big, sweet Golden Labrador puppy of a guy, and that stands in complete contrast to his younger brother's chilly, reserved manner.
But.]
Having the best of intentions can make someone even more blind to the actual impact of what they're doing.
[It's a bit of a wild guess based on what Tsukki's said and the similarities in their situations, but also shockingly on the mark.]
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Something like that.
He's... sorry. I know he is. He's said that so many times.
[Words give it weight again. Tugging at wounds long scabbed over. Tsukki's never shared any of this out loud, not even with Yamaguchi.
He was there, after all.]
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[It's hard to fully forgive someone when you're still feeling the impact of what they did. Kenzo was so young when their relationship was at their worst, Suga assumes he's either forgotten or internalized the damage too thoroughly to realize where it came from - things could very easily have gone the opposite way, with Kenzo internalizing the connection between his older brother and terror instead.
Suga's so leery to offer insight or advice in this situation, simply because he knows he'll come at it from an older brother's lifelong perspective and that won't do Tsukki any good. So he just keeps gently prompting Tsukki instead, letting him decide where the conversation will go.]
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why does dw send me notifs for edits but not the original tags sometimes??
No idea???? BAD DW.
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I emerge from the dEPTHS
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