[It's hard to fully forgive someone when you're still feeling the impact of what they did. Kenzo was so young when their relationship was at their worst, Suga assumes he's either forgotten or internalized the damage too thoroughly to realize where it came from - things could very easily have gone the opposite way, with Kenzo internalizing the connection between his older brother and terror instead.
Suga's so leery to offer insight or advice in this situation, simply because he knows he'll come at it from an older brother's lifelong perspective and that won't do Tsukki any good. So he just keeps gently prompting Tsukki instead, letting him decide where the conversation will go.]
[It never stopped hurting. No matter how much Tsukki tried to push it down. He's so tired of trying to be better, acting like none of it happened. So the story starts.]
My big brother was the coolest, and the smartest, and the best. Some kids called their little brothers names, told them to get lost. Not Akiteru. He brought me everywhere. He never, ever left me out.
[In the dark, it's not so hard to imagine it. The Kei who used to be. Bright-eyed and beaming, tagging along in Akiteru's footsteps.
A ghost.]
I started playing volleyball because he did. It could have been any sport. I didn't care.
[The idyllic beginning of this story, the complete about-face Tsukki must have made since, the black cloud that's been hanging over his head since they first locked eyes outside his house and has only intensified as the evening wears on - everything coalesces into a cold pit of dread in Suga's gut.
He nods and rests one of his hands on the step between them. Just in case it's needed. He's here to listen to the entire thing, if Tsukki's able to get it all out.]
[Tsukki doesn't take it, but doesn't move away, either. ]
Akiteru loved volleyball. Made Ace and Team Captain in Junior High. So when he chose Karasuno, no one was surprised. They'd just been to Nationals, and he wanted to play for the best. He told me about all the practices, the games, how he was a Starter already. All the strong teams he beat.
But he was too nervous for me to come watch.
I believed him.
[Even though Akiteru had never left him out before. God. It's so obvious now.]
[The words come out on a rush of breath before Suga can stop them, like they've been forced out by a punch to the solar plexus. Everyone faces some slippage between junior high and high school unless they're among the absolute elite, so Suga can't exactly guess the severity of Akiteru's drop, but he can easily imagine an idolized older brother riding the bench and feeling like he'll crush his baby brother's world if he admits to the demotion.
Yamaguchi and I snuck into his last game. He wasn't on the court.
He wasn't even in the pen.
He was up in the stands. With the rest of the kids who never played...
[Tsukki tries to explain the feeling. How sound and air and color left the world. Time stretched into years, long enough to memorize the horror on Akiteru's face. Everything breaking, broken, gone.
[That's the thing about lying - it really does cause the ground to give way under someone's feet, especially when the lie carries on for so long. The target of a lie can't be reassured by the liar ever again without a massive leap of faith. Everything else the target has trusted ends up coming under scrutiny.
And this was family. Family that Tsukki held above everyone else, and cherished for very genuine reasons. And he would've been so young at that point.
Suga can see both sides, but his empathy flows directly to the boy sitting beside him.]
God.
[Then it hits Suga that Tsukki kept playing, but with the enormous chasm between himself and the emotional experience of the game that they all witnessed at the beginning of the year, and he feels a familiar burning sting behind his eyelids.]
I didn't care about volleyball, I cared about my brother. And he lied to me. For three years.
For what, a club?
['It's just a club.'
'Whatever.'
'It's not a big deal.'
None of that was true, either. Tsukki presses under his glasses. Trying to convince the prickling to stop, the heaviness of the words to let go. There's been enough damn crying.]
[So many reasons leap to the tip of Suga's tongue: his pride needed him to maintain the image his little brother had of him. He didn't believe he mattered more than the image. His ego was already so wounded that he mistook the lie for self-preservation instinct. He didn't understand what he was doing until it was too late.
But Tsukki's not really asking, and his pain won't be lessened by understanding Akiteru's side right now.]
It was the wrong thing to do for any reason. Protecting his own feelings while overlooking yours was totally unfair to you.
Tsukki, you didn't just love him, you idolized him. People regularly ignore more for less. And you were a child! Kids don't think that deeply about anything!
[Suga's clutching his own knees white-knuckle tight to keep from reaching out before it's welcome. He's somehow triggered what might be a massive breakthrough and he's not blowing it now.]
You were done wrong. No matter how much your brother loves you and wants to take it back, he still did you wrong. You don't have to deny that to move past it, and you shouldn't.
[There's so much crammed into that single sentence. Years of rebuilding, with spikes and sarcasm and no big brothers to soften the defenses. Trying to keep the feelings chained down. Does it matter? He ended up here, a mess on Suga's front porch. Still in gym shorts.
Goosebumps prickle up and down Tsukki's shins, but the sensation feels far away.]
[When Tsukki slumps over like that, Suga can no longer restrain himself - he shifts closer and wraps a comforting arm around his boyfriend's shoulders.]
The answer to that sucks, but as far as I know it's the only way. You've been assigning blame, downplaying feelings, blocking off reactions, numbing the parts of yourself that want to recover - what you need to do now is confront it. No coping mechanisms or rationalizations. You need to feel everything that's been forced down for so long or it'll fester forever.
[There's got to be so much grief built up that Tsukishima's never expressed - for the brother he thought he had, for the person he could've been, for the relationship they could've carried on. That alone is enough to smother any opportunity for real growth and forward progress.]
It won't be easy, but after the - the metamorphosis I've watched you go through in just one year? I know you're capable of this.
[Tears sting hot in his eyes, down his cheeks, and finally Tsukki shoves the glasses to the top of his head. Burrows into Suga's neck, shoulders shaking.
[A long, slow breath leaves Suga's lungs as he wraps his other arm around Tsukki as well.]
That's it. [His voice is barely above a whisper, and one of his hands sweeps up and down Tsukki's back soothingly.] This has been building up in you for a long time. Get it all out.
[Has Suga's heart ever ached with affection like this before? It's excruciating, but he wouldn't give up the feeling for anything.]
He never let himself talk about it. Or cry. Akiteru's the crier, the kind one, the liar. Kei refused to be like him anymore. Would have cut it all out, if possible. Every last memory, good and bad, just to stop the feeling of wanting.
It wasn't fair.
A sound rises up, out, muffled against Suga's shirt. Maybe a sob, or a scream. It goes no farther than the two of them.]
Oh, sweetheart. [Even muffled as much as it is, that wordless cry expresses so much. Suga stops rubbing Tsukki's back to pull him even closer, one hand cradling the back of his head, and presses a kiss into his hair.]
I know it hurts. But I promise it won't hurt this much forever. It'll get better.
[The comfort soaks in. Makes breathing easier. Maybe it was never going to work, coming from someone who knew. Even Yamaguchi. He was another kid. Suga's different. Separate from the disaster. Offering a perspective Tsukki trusts.
And Suga knows all about heartbreak.
There's no more shouting.
Slowly, Tsukki's arms wrap around Suga. Holding tight.]
[Suga can feel the tension slowly drain out of Tsukki's frame until they're finally embracing each other, instead of Suga holding Tsukki together. Relieved, Suga closes his eyes and starts to sway gently back and forth, humming some melody that never quite takes full form but still manages to sound like music. It's how he soothes Kenzo when the boy's panic starts to set in and given that Tsukki seems to feel music in the same deep way, instinct tells Suga that it might help quiet his mind as well.]
[Suga shakes his head with a relieved little laugh when Tsukki's face re-emerges. It's raw and red but not as tight and shadowy as earlier, and he counts that as a plus.]
You're never something to deal with.
[And then, to defuse the sheer emotional weight of that statement:]
Wanna stay for dinner? My parents should be back soon and my dad brings home take-out on Friday nights - heck, your appetite's so small that we could probably split my portion.
[Suga... kind of wants to keep Tsukki close by for a bit longer after seeing him break down like that, make sure he's totally okay before he leaves. But that would sound too clingy if he said it aloud, so he doesn't.
He stands up and reaches his arms up over his head to stretch, then musses Tsukki's hair while he's still sitting down since it's easily within reach. He hasn't done that enough since it became his prerogative as a boyfriend.]
[Tsukki bats away the hand and clambers up. Safely out of attack range, he slides the glasses on. Bringing the mess into order. As much as possible, anyway. He knows his eyes and face are red, they're aching from the strain. Oh well. It's not getting fixed right now.
Maybe that's okay.
The streetlights hum, turning the world warmer and Suga's hair to gold.]
You're welcome. [Suga gives one of Tsukki's hands a light squeeze, then steps inside to let Tsukki call his mother in peace, leaving the door open a crack for when he's done.
Kenzo's little form is visible through the archway that leads to the kitchen, sitting at the island with a glass of juice and drawing circles and lines in one of his musical notation notebooks. All that talk about sibling mistakes apparently still has Suga feeling some kind of way, because he's immediately compelled to walk up behind Kenzo and wrap both arms around him, cheek resting on his fluffy hair.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-07-18 08:06 pm (UTC)[It's hard to fully forgive someone when you're still feeling the impact of what they did. Kenzo was so young when their relationship was at their worst, Suga assumes he's either forgotten or internalized the damage too thoroughly to realize where it came from - things could very easily have gone the opposite way, with Kenzo internalizing the connection between his older brother and terror instead.
Suga's so leery to offer insight or advice in this situation, simply because he knows he'll come at it from an older brother's lifelong perspective and that won't do Tsukki any good. So he just keeps gently prompting Tsukki instead, letting him decide where the conversation will go.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-18 11:44 pm (UTC)[It never stopped hurting. No matter how much Tsukki tried to push it down. He's so tired of trying to be better, acting like none of it happened. So the story starts.]
My big brother was the coolest, and the smartest, and the best. Some kids called their little brothers names, told them to get lost. Not Akiteru. He brought me everywhere. He never, ever left me out.
[In the dark, it's not so hard to imagine it. The Kei who used to be. Bright-eyed and beaming, tagging along in Akiteru's footsteps.
A ghost.]
I started playing volleyball because he did. It could have been any sport. I didn't care.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-18 11:50 pm (UTC)He nods and rests one of his hands on the step between them. Just in case it's needed. He's here to listen to the entire thing, if Tsukki's able to get it all out.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-19 12:05 am (UTC)Akiteru loved volleyball. Made Ace and Team Captain in Junior High. So when he chose Karasuno, no one was surprised. They'd just been to Nationals, and he wanted to play for the best. He told me about all the practices, the games, how he was a Starter already. All the strong teams he beat.
But he was too nervous for me to come watch.
I believed him.
[Even though Akiteru had never left him out before. God. It's so obvious now.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-19 12:09 am (UTC)[The words come out on a rush of breath before Suga can stop them, like they've been forced out by a punch to the solar plexus. Everyone faces some slippage between junior high and high school unless they're among the absolute elite, so Suga can't exactly guess the severity of Akiteru's drop, but he can easily imagine an idolized older brother riding the bench and feeling like he'll crush his baby brother's world if he admits to the demotion.
But lying about it?]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-19 12:31 am (UTC)He wasn't even in the pen.
He was up in the stands. With the rest of the kids who never played...
[Tsukki tries to explain the feeling. How sound and air and color left the world. Time stretched into years, long enough to memorize the horror on Akiteru's face. Everything breaking, broken, gone.
He trails off.
No words are bad enough.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-19 12:46 am (UTC)And this was family. Family that Tsukki held above everyone else, and cherished for very genuine reasons. And he would've been so young at that point.
Suga can see both sides, but his empathy flows directly to the boy sitting beside him.]
God.
[Then it hits Suga that Tsukki kept playing, but with the enormous chasm between himself and the emotional experience of the game that they all witnessed at the beginning of the year, and he feels a familiar burning sting behind his eyelids.]
I'm so, so sorry you had to go through that.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-19 11:56 am (UTC)I didn't care about volleyball, I cared about my brother. And he lied to me. For three years.
For what, a club?
['It's just a club.'
'Whatever.'
'It's not a big deal.'
None of that was true, either. Tsukki presses under his glasses. Trying to convince the prickling to stop, the heaviness of the words to let go. There's been enough damn crying.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-19 03:42 pm (UTC)But Tsukki's not really asking, and his pain won't be lessened by understanding Akiteru's side right now.]
It was the wrong thing to do for any reason. Protecting his own feelings while overlooking yours was totally unfair to you.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-19 04:49 pm (UTC)[Until now, Tsukki's never thought of it like that.
It's so simple.
A pathetic sound bursts out of him. Mangled between a laugh and a hiss. ]
I've been so angry at myself. For - Like it was my fault, being too stupid to see...
But you're right.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-19 04:54 pm (UTC)[Suga's clutching his own knees white-knuckle tight to keep from reaching out before it's welcome. He's somehow triggered what might be a massive breakthrough and he's not blowing it now.]
You were done wrong. No matter how much your brother loves you and wants to take it back, he still did you wrong. You don't have to deny that to move past it, and you shouldn't.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-19 07:05 pm (UTC)Then what do I do about it?
[There's so much crammed into that single sentence. Years of rebuilding, with spikes and sarcasm and no big brothers to soften the defenses. Trying to keep the feelings chained down. Does it matter? He ended up here, a mess on Suga's front porch. Still in gym shorts.
Goosebumps prickle up and down Tsukki's shins, but the sensation feels far away.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-19 07:17 pm (UTC)The answer to that sucks, but as far as I know it's the only way. You've been assigning blame, downplaying feelings, blocking off reactions, numbing the parts of yourself that want to recover - what you need to do now is confront it. No coping mechanisms or rationalizations. You need to feel everything that's been forced down for so long or it'll fester forever.
[There's got to be so much grief built up that Tsukishima's never expressed - for the brother he thought he had, for the person he could've been, for the relationship they could've carried on. That alone is enough to smother any opportunity for real growth and forward progress.]
It won't be easy, but after the - the metamorphosis I've watched you go through in just one year? I know you're capable of this.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-19 08:42 pm (UTC)There's no noise.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-19 11:56 pm (UTC)That's it. [His voice is barely above a whisper, and one of his hands sweeps up and down Tsukki's back soothingly.] This has been building up in you for a long time. Get it all out.
[Has Suga's heart ever ached with affection like this before? It's excruciating, but he wouldn't give up the feeling for anything.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-20 01:09 am (UTC)He never let himself talk about it. Or cry. Akiteru's the crier, the kind one, the liar. Kei refused to be like him anymore. Would have cut it all out, if possible. Every last memory, good and bad, just to stop the feeling of wanting.
It wasn't fair.
A sound rises up, out, muffled against Suga's shirt. Maybe a sob, or a scream. It goes no farther than the two of them.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-20 01:16 am (UTC)I know it hurts. But I promise it won't hurt this much forever. It'll get better.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-20 12:39 pm (UTC)And Suga knows all about heartbreak.
There's no more shouting.
Slowly, Tsukki's arms wrap around Suga. Holding tight.]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-20 12:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-07-20 06:05 pm (UTC)He sits up a little to rub his eyes. Aching from the flood.]
Geeze.
Like you didn't have enough to deal with...
no subject
Date: 2024-07-20 06:15 pm (UTC)You're never something to deal with.
[And then, to defuse the sheer emotional weight of that statement:]
Wanna stay for dinner? My parents should be back soon and my dad brings home take-out on Friday nights - heck, your appetite's so small that we could probably split my portion.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-20 10:22 pm (UTC)You shut up, Sugawara Koshi.
[Pulling out tissues, he wipes at his face. Then glasses. Scraping salt spots from the lenses. He's supposed to use cleaner, but whatever.]
Okay. If it's not a bother.
Let me call my mom.
why does dw send me notifs for edits but not the original tags sometimes??
Date: 2024-07-23 12:47 am (UTC)[Suga... kind of wants to keep Tsukki close by for a bit longer after seeing him break down like that, make sure he's totally okay before he leaves. But that would sound too clingy if he said it aloud, so he doesn't.
He stands up and reaches his arms up over his head to stretch, then musses Tsukki's hair while he's still sitting down since it's easily within reach. He hasn't done that enough since it became his prerogative as a boyfriend.]
No idea???? BAD DW.
Date: 2024-07-23 06:35 pm (UTC)[Tsukki bats away the hand and clambers up. Safely out of attack range, he slides the glasses on. Bringing the mess into order. As much as possible, anyway. He knows his eyes and face are red, they're aching from the strain. Oh well. It's not getting fixed right now.
Maybe that's okay.
The streetlights hum, turning the world warmer and Suga's hair to gold.]
Thanks.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-24 12:36 pm (UTC)You're welcome. [Suga gives one of Tsukki's hands a light squeeze, then steps inside to let Tsukki call his mother in peace, leaving the door open a crack for when he's done.
Kenzo's little form is visible through the archway that leads to the kitchen, sitting at the island with a glass of juice and drawing circles and lines in one of his musical notation notebooks. All that talk about sibling mistakes apparently still has Suga feeling some kind of way, because he's immediately compelled to walk up behind Kenzo and wrap both arms around him, cheek resting on his fluffy hair.]
I emerge from the dEPTHS
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