I was... terrible to him as a kid. Just a total nightmare.
[It's not clear at first if Suga's going to say any more, but eventually he does continue.]
None of us really understood him at first, and I didn't get why he couldn't just... calm down and cheer up. You know? It felt like everything had to be this big scene. So I would - I started pulling "pranks" on him to try and teach him to laugh off scary things, but...
[But as a young kid, it was also his way of acting out. Taking all that annoyance and aggression and turning it into something that was just a joke and was for his own good.]
After a really mean-spirited one, my mom took me aside and I thought she was going to scream at me, but she basically just said: "Kenzo's not like you, he can't be like you, and he's going to have a much harder time with life than you are because of it. You have two options: lift him up so that he can walk with you, or let him get ground into the dirt under your feet."
Honestly, I was his first bully. [Suga swallows around a lump in his throat.] I can't defend anything I did. All I can do now is try to make up for it whenever I can.
[Not just because he wants to "be a better person" in some nebulous sense - because he adores Kenzo. But that feels even more self-serving to add so he doesn't say it aloud.
Suga's startled when Tsukki brings up his older brother. Somehow he hasn't made the connection between Tsukki's mood and his own brother until now, even though he's aware to some degree that Kei and Akiteru have a rocky relationship. This is also the first time he's connected himself and Akiteru as older brothers and had cause to wonder how that might colour Tsukki's view of him...
It's a sobering thought.]
Yeah? [Nothing else, just an invitation to say more if Tsukki's so inclined.]
[When Suga said that Tsukishima always clearly telegraphs the important emotional moments, this is what he meant - it couldn't be more obvious that this is far more than a story told in kind, just because the topic of brothers came up or because Suga has him thinking about his older brother. This is a boulder Tsukki's been pushing uphill his entire life, only to see it go rolling back down again when he thought he was safe to take a second's breather.
Suga doesn't have to question how closely to observe Tsukki, how deeply to involve himself, how much might be too much. This moment gets all of him.
He takes a seat beside Tsukki but not too close, giving him the physical space he'll doubtlessly need to share something of such import. And at first he can't help but grin, because Tsukki's right about everything - Akiteru seems like a big, sweet Golden Labrador puppy of a guy, and that stands in complete contrast to his younger brother's chilly, reserved manner.
But.]
Having the best of intentions can make someone even more blind to the actual impact of what they're doing.
[It's a bit of a wild guess based on what Tsukki's said and the similarities in their situations, but also shockingly on the mark.]
[It's hard to fully forgive someone when you're still feeling the impact of what they did. Kenzo was so young when their relationship was at their worst, Suga assumes he's either forgotten or internalized the damage too thoroughly to realize where it came from - things could very easily have gone the opposite way, with Kenzo internalizing the connection between his older brother and terror instead.
Suga's so leery to offer insight or advice in this situation, simply because he knows he'll come at it from an older brother's lifelong perspective and that won't do Tsukki any good. So he just keeps gently prompting Tsukki instead, letting him decide where the conversation will go.]
[It never stopped hurting. No matter how much Tsukki tried to push it down. He's so tired of trying to be better, acting like none of it happened. So the story starts.]
My big brother was the coolest, and the smartest, and the best. Some kids called their little brothers names, told them to get lost. Not Akiteru. He brought me everywhere. He never, ever left me out.
[In the dark, it's not so hard to imagine it. The Kei who used to be. Bright-eyed and beaming, tagging along in Akiteru's footsteps.
A ghost.]
I started playing volleyball because he did. It could have been any sport. I didn't care.
[The idyllic beginning of this story, the complete about-face Tsukki must have made since, the black cloud that's been hanging over his head since they first locked eyes outside his house and has only intensified as the evening wears on - everything coalesces into a cold pit of dread in Suga's gut.
He nods and rests one of his hands on the step between them. Just in case it's needed. He's here to listen to the entire thing, if Tsukki's able to get it all out.]
[Tsukki doesn't take it, but doesn't move away, either. ]
Akiteru loved volleyball. Made Ace and Team Captain in Junior High. So when he chose Karasuno, no one was surprised. They'd just been to Nationals, and he wanted to play for the best. He told me about all the practices, the games, how he was a Starter already. All the strong teams he beat.
But he was too nervous for me to come watch.
I believed him.
[Even though Akiteru had never left him out before. God. It's so obvious now.]
[The words come out on a rush of breath before Suga can stop them, like they've been forced out by a punch to the solar plexus. Everyone faces some slippage between junior high and high school unless they're among the absolute elite, so Suga can't exactly guess the severity of Akiteru's drop, but he can easily imagine an idolized older brother riding the bench and feeling like he'll crush his baby brother's world if he admits to the demotion.
Yamaguchi and I snuck into his last game. He wasn't on the court.
He wasn't even in the pen.
He was up in the stands. With the rest of the kids who never played...
[Tsukki tries to explain the feeling. How sound and air and color left the world. Time stretched into years, long enough to memorize the horror on Akiteru's face. Everything breaking, broken, gone.
[That's the thing about lying - it really does cause the ground to give way under someone's feet, especially when the lie carries on for so long. The target of a lie can't be reassured by the liar ever again without a massive leap of faith. Everything else the target has trusted ends up coming under scrutiny.
And this was family. Family that Tsukki held above everyone else, and cherished for very genuine reasons. And he would've been so young at that point.
Suga can see both sides, but his empathy flows directly to the boy sitting beside him.]
God.
[Then it hits Suga that Tsukki kept playing, but with the enormous chasm between himself and the emotional experience of the game that they all witnessed at the beginning of the year, and he feels a familiar burning sting behind his eyelids.]
I didn't care about volleyball, I cared about my brother. And he lied to me. For three years.
For what, a club?
['It's just a club.'
'Whatever.'
'It's not a big deal.'
None of that was true, either. Tsukki presses under his glasses. Trying to convince the prickling to stop, the heaviness of the words to let go. There's been enough damn crying.]
[So many reasons leap to the tip of Suga's tongue: his pride needed him to maintain the image his little brother had of him. He didn't believe he mattered more than the image. His ego was already so wounded that he mistook the lie for self-preservation instinct. He didn't understand what he was doing until it was too late.
But Tsukki's not really asking, and his pain won't be lessened by understanding Akiteru's side right now.]
It was the wrong thing to do for any reason. Protecting his own feelings while overlooking yours was totally unfair to you.
Tsukki, you didn't just love him, you idolized him. People regularly ignore more for less. And you were a child! Kids don't think that deeply about anything!
[Suga's clutching his own knees white-knuckle tight to keep from reaching out before it's welcome. He's somehow triggered what might be a massive breakthrough and he's not blowing it now.]
You were done wrong. No matter how much your brother loves you and wants to take it back, he still did you wrong. You don't have to deny that to move past it, and you shouldn't.
[There's so much crammed into that single sentence. Years of rebuilding, with spikes and sarcasm and no big brothers to soften the defenses. Trying to keep the feelings chained down. Does it matter? He ended up here, a mess on Suga's front porch. Still in gym shorts.
Goosebumps prickle up and down Tsukki's shins, but the sensation feels far away.]
[When Tsukki slumps over like that, Suga can no longer restrain himself - he shifts closer and wraps a comforting arm around his boyfriend's shoulders.]
The answer to that sucks, but as far as I know it's the only way. You've been assigning blame, downplaying feelings, blocking off reactions, numbing the parts of yourself that want to recover - what you need to do now is confront it. No coping mechanisms or rationalizations. You need to feel everything that's been forced down for so long or it'll fester forever.
[There's got to be so much grief built up that Tsukishima's never expressed - for the brother he thought he had, for the person he could've been, for the relationship they could've carried on. That alone is enough to smother any opportunity for real growth and forward progress.]
It won't be easy, but after the - the metamorphosis I've watched you go through in just one year? I know you're capable of this.
[Tears sting hot in his eyes, down his cheeks, and finally Tsukki shoves the glasses to the top of his head. Burrows into Suga's neck, shoulders shaking.
[A long, slow breath leaves Suga's lungs as he wraps his other arm around Tsukki as well.]
That's it. [His voice is barely above a whisper, and one of his hands sweeps up and down Tsukki's back soothingly.] This has been building up in you for a long time. Get it all out.
[Has Suga's heart ever ached with affection like this before? It's excruciating, but he wouldn't give up the feeling for anything.]
He never let himself talk about it. Or cry. Akiteru's the crier, the kind one, the liar. Kei refused to be like him anymore. Would have cut it all out, if possible. Every last memory, good and bad, just to stop the feeling of wanting.
It wasn't fair.
A sound rises up, out, muffled against Suga's shirt. Maybe a sob, or a scream. It goes no farther than the two of them.]
Oh, sweetheart. [Even muffled as much as it is, that wordless cry expresses so much. Suga stops rubbing Tsukki's back to pull him even closer, one hand cradling the back of his head, and presses a kiss into his hair.]
I know it hurts. But I promise it won't hurt this much forever. It'll get better.
[The comfort soaks in. Makes breathing easier. Maybe it was never going to work, coming from someone who knew. Even Yamaguchi. He was another kid. Suga's different. Separate from the disaster. Offering a perspective Tsukki trusts.
And Suga knows all about heartbreak.
There's no more shouting.
Slowly, Tsukki's arms wrap around Suga. Holding tight.]
[Suga can feel the tension slowly drain out of Tsukki's frame until they're finally embracing each other, instead of Suga holding Tsukki together. Relieved, Suga closes his eyes and starts to sway gently back and forth, humming some melody that never quite takes full form but still manages to sound like music. It's how he soothes Kenzo when the boy's panic starts to set in and given that Tsukki seems to feel music in the same deep way, instinct tells Suga that it might help quiet his mind as well.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[It's not clear at first if Suga's going to say any more, but eventually he does continue.]
None of us really understood him at first, and I didn't get why he couldn't just... calm down and cheer up. You know? It felt like everything had to be this big scene. So I would - I started pulling "pranks" on him to try and teach him to laugh off scary things, but...
[But as a young kid, it was also his way of acting out. Taking all that annoyance and aggression and turning it into something that was just a joke and was for his own good.]
After a really mean-spirited one, my mom took me aside and I thought she was going to scream at me, but she basically just said: "Kenzo's not like you, he can't be like you, and he's going to have a much harder time with life than you are because of it. You have two options: lift him up so that he can walk with you, or let him get ground into the dirt under your feet."
no subject
So. You were a little shit.
[There's a huff. The ghost of a chuckle, though the mood doesn't lift much.]
Welcome to the club.
My brother did that. Not the pranks, but trying to get me to be more cheerful. Telling me to get along with people.
no subject
[Not just because he wants to "be a better person" in some nebulous sense - because he adores Kenzo. But that feels even more self-serving to add so he doesn't say it aloud.
Suga's startled when Tsukki brings up his older brother. Somehow he hasn't made the connection between Tsukki's mood and his own brother until now, even though he's aware to some degree that Kei and Akiteru have a rocky relationship. This is also the first time he's connected himself and Akiteru as older brothers and had cause to wonder how that might colour Tsukki's view of him...
It's a sobering thought.]
Yeah? [Nothing else, just an invitation to say more if Tsukki's so inclined.]
no subject
[Brother Issues are on the table now. Like it or not. Pulling his hand back, Tsukki sinks onto the stairs. Arms folded across knees.
Then fills the quiet. Voice low.]
Anyway, he wasn't a bully. I was, maybe. Probably. Akiteru kept me from being worse.
Really, he's the nicest person. You saw him, he cries at everything. It's ridiculous. If we didn't look the same, you'd never believe we're related.
But...
no subject
Suga doesn't have to question how closely to observe Tsukki, how deeply to involve himself, how much might be too much. This moment gets all of him.
He takes a seat beside Tsukki but not too close, giving him the physical space he'll doubtlessly need to share something of such import. And at first he can't help but grin, because Tsukki's right about everything - Akiteru seems like a big, sweet Golden Labrador puppy of a guy, and that stands in complete contrast to his younger brother's chilly, reserved manner.
But.]
Having the best of intentions can make someone even more blind to the actual impact of what they're doing.
[It's a bit of a wild guess based on what Tsukki's said and the similarities in their situations, but also shockingly on the mark.]
no subject
Something like that.
He's... sorry. I know he is. He's said that so many times.
[Words give it weight again. Tugging at wounds long scabbed over. Tsukki's never shared any of this out loud, not even with Yamaguchi.
He was there, after all.]
no subject
[It's hard to fully forgive someone when you're still feeling the impact of what they did. Kenzo was so young when their relationship was at their worst, Suga assumes he's either forgotten or internalized the damage too thoroughly to realize where it came from - things could very easily have gone the opposite way, with Kenzo internalizing the connection between his older brother and terror instead.
Suga's so leery to offer insight or advice in this situation, simply because he knows he'll come at it from an older brother's lifelong perspective and that won't do Tsukki any good. So he just keeps gently prompting Tsukki instead, letting him decide where the conversation will go.]
no subject
[It never stopped hurting. No matter how much Tsukki tried to push it down. He's so tired of trying to be better, acting like none of it happened. So the story starts.]
My big brother was the coolest, and the smartest, and the best. Some kids called their little brothers names, told them to get lost. Not Akiteru. He brought me everywhere. He never, ever left me out.
[In the dark, it's not so hard to imagine it. The Kei who used to be. Bright-eyed and beaming, tagging along in Akiteru's footsteps.
A ghost.]
I started playing volleyball because he did. It could have been any sport. I didn't care.
no subject
He nods and rests one of his hands on the step between them. Just in case it's needed. He's here to listen to the entire thing, if Tsukki's able to get it all out.]
no subject
Akiteru loved volleyball. Made Ace and Team Captain in Junior High. So when he chose Karasuno, no one was surprised. They'd just been to Nationals, and he wanted to play for the best. He told me about all the practices, the games, how he was a Starter already. All the strong teams he beat.
But he was too nervous for me to come watch.
I believed him.
[Even though Akiteru had never left him out before. God. It's so obvious now.]
no subject
[The words come out on a rush of breath before Suga can stop them, like they've been forced out by a punch to the solar plexus. Everyone faces some slippage between junior high and high school unless they're among the absolute elite, so Suga can't exactly guess the severity of Akiteru's drop, but he can easily imagine an idolized older brother riding the bench and feeling like he'll crush his baby brother's world if he admits to the demotion.
But lying about it?]
no subject
He wasn't even in the pen.
He was up in the stands. With the rest of the kids who never played...
[Tsukki tries to explain the feeling. How sound and air and color left the world. Time stretched into years, long enough to memorize the horror on Akiteru's face. Everything breaking, broken, gone.
He trails off.
No words are bad enough.]
no subject
And this was family. Family that Tsukki held above everyone else, and cherished for very genuine reasons. And he would've been so young at that point.
Suga can see both sides, but his empathy flows directly to the boy sitting beside him.]
God.
[Then it hits Suga that Tsukki kept playing, but with the enormous chasm between himself and the emotional experience of the game that they all witnessed at the beginning of the year, and he feels a familiar burning sting behind his eyelids.]
I'm so, so sorry you had to go through that.
no subject
I didn't care about volleyball, I cared about my brother. And he lied to me. For three years.
For what, a club?
['It's just a club.'
'Whatever.'
'It's not a big deal.'
None of that was true, either. Tsukki presses under his glasses. Trying to convince the prickling to stop, the heaviness of the words to let go. There's been enough damn crying.]
no subject
But Tsukki's not really asking, and his pain won't be lessened by understanding Akiteru's side right now.]
It was the wrong thing to do for any reason. Protecting his own feelings while overlooking yours was totally unfair to you.
no subject
[Until now, Tsukki's never thought of it like that.
It's so simple.
A pathetic sound bursts out of him. Mangled between a laugh and a hiss. ]
I've been so angry at myself. For - Like it was my fault, being too stupid to see...
But you're right.
no subject
[Suga's clutching his own knees white-knuckle tight to keep from reaching out before it's welcome. He's somehow triggered what might be a massive breakthrough and he's not blowing it now.]
You were done wrong. No matter how much your brother loves you and wants to take it back, he still did you wrong. You don't have to deny that to move past it, and you shouldn't.
no subject
Then what do I do about it?
[There's so much crammed into that single sentence. Years of rebuilding, with spikes and sarcasm and no big brothers to soften the defenses. Trying to keep the feelings chained down. Does it matter? He ended up here, a mess on Suga's front porch. Still in gym shorts.
Goosebumps prickle up and down Tsukki's shins, but the sensation feels far away.]
no subject
The answer to that sucks, but as far as I know it's the only way. You've been assigning blame, downplaying feelings, blocking off reactions, numbing the parts of yourself that want to recover - what you need to do now is confront it. No coping mechanisms or rationalizations. You need to feel everything that's been forced down for so long or it'll fester forever.
[There's got to be so much grief built up that Tsukishima's never expressed - for the brother he thought he had, for the person he could've been, for the relationship they could've carried on. That alone is enough to smother any opportunity for real growth and forward progress.]
It won't be easy, but after the - the metamorphosis I've watched you go through in just one year? I know you're capable of this.
no subject
There's no noise.]
no subject
That's it. [His voice is barely above a whisper, and one of his hands sweeps up and down Tsukki's back soothingly.] This has been building up in you for a long time. Get it all out.
[Has Suga's heart ever ached with affection like this before? It's excruciating, but he wouldn't give up the feeling for anything.]
no subject
He never let himself talk about it. Or cry. Akiteru's the crier, the kind one, the liar. Kei refused to be like him anymore. Would have cut it all out, if possible. Every last memory, good and bad, just to stop the feeling of wanting.
It wasn't fair.
A sound rises up, out, muffled against Suga's shirt. Maybe a sob, or a scream. It goes no farther than the two of them.]
no subject
I know it hurts. But I promise it won't hurt this much forever. It'll get better.
no subject
And Suga knows all about heartbreak.
There's no more shouting.
Slowly, Tsukki's arms wrap around Suga. Holding tight.]
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
why does dw send me notifs for edits but not the original tags sometimes??
No idea???? BAD DW.
(no subject)
I emerge from the dEPTHS
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)