Until we let the spectrum in - Nationals Final - For Beautymarker

[saltinourstars]

Boom

It could be his heart.

Boom

It could be his breath.

Boom

It could be his feet hitting the ground. Or the ball. Or the crowd.

FUKURODANI 33 - KARASUNO 31

That's it.

Planting hands on his hips, Tsukki stares up at the lights. Unable to move, think, hear anything but echoing thunder. Boom. Boom. Boom

It's over. It's over. It's over.

Comments

[saltinourstars]

[There's debates about crows. If they have funerals. If they mourn the passing of their own.

This flock does.

Slowly, the rest of Karasuno drifts to Tsukki and Suga. Pulled in by the gravity of grief. Staying huddled until called to the ceremony. Then they stumble forward. Everyone linked. Elbows hooked, arms draped over shoulders. Helping each other into the familiar line. #1 - #12.

The top three teams from Boys and Girls are all being honored. It seems especially sadistic. At least the losing teams get to sit. As the individual awards are announced, Tsukki bites back a yawn.

He nearly misses his own name.

"Best Boys Middle Blocker Award - Tsukishima Kei, Karasuno Volleyball Club"]

[beautymarker]

[When Tsukishima's name gets called for best MB, Suga lets out a round of whooping cheers so loud and raucous that the announcer gives him a sharp look and Daichi has to elbow him in the side. Kageyama also commits first-year robbery by claiming the setter award - Suga can only hope that when he cheers more decorously for Kageyama's victory, everyone assumes it's because of the silent scolding.

As proud as they all are, the ceremony really does bleed them dry of any remaining energy. They need a proper meal, they need baths, they need sleep. It's a blessed relief when they're finally released to their own devices, and naturally Suga's first act is to rush back to Tsukki's side and congratulate him.]

I can't believe I'm actually talking to the best high school middle blocker in the country! Oh my god, can I get your autograph? Can I get a picture with you?!

[He's absolutely dying to do something out of the norm like kiss Tsukki's cheek, which he did get away with early in their friendship, but he forces down the urge. For now.]

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[Tsukki examines the certificate. He'd forgotten about this. Even being in the running for such a thing never even occurred. It does not erase the 2nd place, but... It's something to bring home. For the team, for him...

Then teasing breaks through the haze.

He scowls.]

Oh shut up, Sugawara.

[That gets a spluttering laugh from Yamaguchi. Who knows all the nuances of Tsukki's 'Shut up's.]

[beautymarker]

Never! I'm gonna be bragging about having known and played with all of you for the rest of my days!

[His tone falters a little at that, smile slipping from his face. Why does he keep returning to the fact that it's over, when the positives so massively outweigh the negatives right now? Second place at Nationals! Award-winning players!]

I hope you know what an incredible gift you gave us.

[That's softer, and he glances at Yamaguchi as well as Tsukki. He means all his underclassmen.]

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[The positives and negatives are mixed together. You can't genuinely feel one without the other. Not about this.

Tsukki and Yamaguchi both bow. Without even sharing a look.]

Thank you Sugawara-senpai. You deserved it. You and the other 3rd years.

["Thank you for keeping the team together," Yamaguchi adds. Voice steady as a rock.]

[beautymarker]

[Oop, just when he thought he’d cried himself out for the time being! Having these two in particular give him such an automatic show of respect proves to be too much for Suga’s emotions; he claps a hand over his mouth and nods, tears streaming down his cheeks.]

I am so - so proud of you -

Time skip?

[saltinourstars]

[Proud.

That's the work which breaks Tsukki open again. He swallows. Grits his teeth. Eyes darting to Yamaguchi in a plea for help. It's too much to carry any more.

Yamaguchi nods. Steps forward.

"Come on, Senpai."

With that, Tsukki and Yamaguchi cross arms across Suga's shoulders. His turn to get steered.]

[beautymarker]

[They spend one more night at the inn and while it’s nice to decompress and pull themselves back together somewhere other than the bus, it’s also torture. The place suddenly feels much too small for so many pacing, muttering, sighing, scowling, crying, overthinking boys, to the point that Suga keeps offering to run errands down to the konbini a few blocks away just to escape.

He considers asking Daichi or Tsukki to come along, but… of all the people lost in their own inner self-recriminations, those two are probably the worst off. They need time alone to untangle their snarled up thoughts.

When he’s headed for the bus the next morning, though, he’s surprised to be stopped by Yamaguchi and asked if maybe he’d like to sit with Tsukki for the ride home? Realization of just how much Yamaguchi must know crashes down on his shoulders and his face turns crimson, but he accepts the offer gratefully and does, in fact, walk right past Daichi to slide into the seat beside Tsukki instead.

As Ukai starts a head count, Suga quietly says:]

You really won the best friend jackpot, you know.

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[Last night was rough. Tsukki's brain both too active and exhausted for any real sleep. He's already dozing when Suga slides in. Glasses tucked into their case.

He yawns. Blinks awake.]

I do.

[Tsukki squints across the bus and Yamaguchi waves. Grabbing a seat next to Yachi.]

I'd say I don't deserve him, but he'd come kick my ass.

[beautymarker]

[It’s going to be a quiet ride home, Suga suspects. Nearly everyone spent their nights locked in their overactive minds, if the bleary faces lining the rows of their bus are anything to go by, and exhaustion is due to set in any time.

Suga’s not sure if he’s ready for collapse yet. The need to stay alert for the others, watch over them in this time of profound disappointment and grief, is doubly strong after he spent the day before giving in to his emotions at every turn.]

Oh no, I woke you up… sorry, Tsukki. [Those words ring in his head for a moment, combined with Tsukki telling him to shut up the day before, and he laughs to himself.] Good, because you definitely do.

[Sensei lets everyone know that they’re leaving, last chance for bathroom or anything else they’ve forgotten. Resounding silence greets the announcement and the bus pulls out.]

I’m not here to keep you from sleep, though, if that’s what you need right now. Okay?

[saltinourstars]

['Sorry Tsukki' gets a chuckle.]

You don't know the half of it.

[Which might be hard to believe? Suga already knows about that Middle School Crush...

Yawning again, Tsukki fishes out the glasses.]

Same to you.

[beautymarker]

I don’t feel all that sleepy, to be honest… but I’ll keep it in mind.

[The eerie silence all around them already has Suga keeping his voice to a whisper, and when he looks around…]

Jeez, looks like everyone else is already knocked out. I’m glad.

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[This is... Mostly true. But if anyone's awake, they're keeping quiet. So different from their first trip. No one even points out Tokyo Tower.

Tsukki matches the quiet tone. Leaning close to Suga.]

Mm.

It feels... Weird.

Did you ever read those books about Narnia?

[It's a childish reference, but Suga won't laugh.]

[beautymarker]

Narnia… [A lot of realms from childhood literature have similar names, so Suga has to reach back in his mind to make sure he fishes out the right one.]

With the four kids that find another world? And a lot of talking animals?

[saltinourstars]

Right. Through a wardrobe.

The kids grow up into kings and queens, then end up going back through the wardrobe and turn into kids again.

After all that.

[Back to the real world. Where this bus is going. To homework and tests and everything so... normal. ]

[beautymarker]

Ah… that’s bleak.

[Suga frowns thoughtfully. After a long moment, he finally says:]

If you were Asahi, I’d punch you in the side right now.

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[Tsukki holds up both hands and glares. Blocking skills fully activated!]

I'm not trying to be bleak!

I'm just explaining!

[beautymarker]

[Suga just laughs, one hand over his mouth to keep from getting too noisy.]

I'm not going to, don't worry. What you said does make sense. I keep thinking about how we're going to be like conquering heroes to so many people when we get back, and I'll constantly have this "but..." in the back of my head.

[Another thoughtful silence.]

... I was actually encouraged to retire from the team. By my teachers, my guidance counsellor... none of them understood why I'd stay when I'm not even a regular player and I have no plans of playing after high school. It would've felt so much better to come back as national champions, you know?

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I didn't know that.

[Tsukki stares ahead. Turning something over.]

They were wrong to tell you that. Even if we lost the very next game.

[There's venom in those words. Shit. His filters really have taken a beating. Tsukki rubs at his eyes. Just... The idea of Suga watching Karasuno from the stands...]

Sorry.

That sort of thing pisses me off.

[beautymarker]

[The genuine fury in Tsukki's response startles Suga, but only for a moment. Then it brings a slightly shaky smile to his lips.]

That's exactly what I would've wanted to hear if I had told anyone at the time.

[And imagine Tsukishima being the one to tell him so. Fondness floods Suga's heart without warning and, after another quick glance around the bus, he grabs one of Tsukki's hands to give it a little squeeze.

He shouldn't do things like that when Tsukki's still processing his confession. Blame it on the dissolution of his own filters.]

[saltinourstars]

[Except there's a squeeze back.

Their hands are between them, out of sight. Everyone's in their own heads. So... Tsukki doesn't pull his away.]

[beautymarker]

[Wow, did Suga's heart actually just try to jump all the way out of his chest?

Face suddenly red hot, Suga looks down at their hands, then back up at Tsukki, then straight ahead with a dopey smile on his face.

He's not asking questions. This is too nice to ruin with questions.]

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[They're not coming back the same kids. They don't need crowns or titles. Even if they're granted, that's not why Karasuno is here. Why Suga is here. It's because ...]

'What else do you need but pride.'

Yamaguchi said that.

Last summer, at camp, when everything was so bad. Well. Really, he screamed it while shaking me.

I get it now.

[beautymarker]

[The image of Yamaguchi shaking the shit out of Tsukishima is so funny that Suga once again has to cover his mouth with his free hand to muffle a quick laugh.]

I’m glad. I’m really glad you’ve got him to guide you out of those times.

And he’s right. On top of that, no one can be a success and a winner and top of the class every time… trying and failing and appreciating the experience anyway is what makes you a person. I really believe this taught me more than cram school would’ve.

[saltinourstars]

[Tsukkideserved that tongue-lashing, and Yamaguchi had every right to it.

Without it?

Tsukki wouldn't be here. Holding the hand of one of the prettiest boys he's ever met. Another sort of experience to appreciate.

He nods.]

Can I ask a question? Why do you play volleyball?